Focus.

Did anyone else get caught up in this year’s movement of choosing a word at the start of the year to identify your purpose in 2020? I heard it happening around me and I thought about it, considered it a great idea, but just couldn’t settle myself to think about it enough to pick a word. I figured it would come to me.

There was a lot happening as the year turned over to 2020. My youngest daughter had just turned 2 followed directly by a semi-spontaneous trip to Disney World before school got back in session. School kicked off, Grandma Jan flew in and 2 days later, I drove away, kid free, in a rented Hyundai Elantra bound for Fort Myers, Florida. There was very little time for word thoughts.

Where was I headed, you ask? But to the Rise Women’s Conference put on by Rachel Hollis: media mogul, queen motivational speaker, mother of 4, goddess of personal development, and badass author of Girl, Wash Your Face and Girl, Stop Apologizing. And if you haven’t heard of these books, her work, or even her – get to your Instagram, Facebook, Target, Amazon or local library and check her out. Girlfriend, let your journey begin.

Now, why was I there? Slow down, I’m getting to that part! There are several reasons, but I’ll narrow it down to the 2 biggest factors.

1) I have always been a self help kind of girl. Call it my independent spirit, my knack for internal observation and reflection, or my inability to ask for help when I should, but I have always been prone to self psychologizing, self improvement, and do it yourself therapy. I like to think I’m pretty good at it, actually. I am always in pursuit of my own brand of professional and personal development. Whether it’s the books I read, the social media I consume, the TV I watch, or the podcasts I listen to; I am always in pursuit of working on the pieces of me that are not working for me.

2) Ever since I was in middle school, the thrill of a community centered activity has always inspired me. I was really big into FFA for many years. I took Ag classes and participated in various leadership competitions throughout the year. Not many people truly understood the impact FFA had on me or how much I relied on it, but it was palpable for me. The energy of that community was infectious and I was deeply attached to it. But the biggest motivators for me in FFA were the conventions. There was a state convention and a national convention every year – I went to several state conventions and 2 national conventions and let me tell you, those 3 day events were lifeblood for me. To be in an auditorium or arena with that many people with whom you share this one thing (and maybe even nothing else) was so powerful. Imagine a Tony Robbins type event, but for teenagers in blue corduroy jackets sharing a love of agriculture. It’s a vibe. I felt a lot of feelings at those events, but no matter how crushing the competitive defeats or hard to leave the friends I made at those events, I always left feeling healed. It was so important to my survival during some very dark days back then.

I could write a whole book about how FFA has impacted my life, but the point is, I love a damn convention and this year I had the opportunity to start a very important year off with one and I was stoked. I heard that Rachel Hollis, her husband Dave Hollis, and their troupe of misfits were bringing the Rise Conference to Fort Myers through her Instagram feed. I also heard in passing that they offered USO sponsored tickets to said conference. I immediately emailed the Hollis Company to inquire, assuming there would be some rigorous application process, but after just a few email exchanges I had a ticket with my name on it. I told Ryan I was planning on going and that his mom had agreed to come help with the kids and that was that.

Now, what even IS the Rise Conference? Great question! Rachel Hollis, after many years running an event planning business and writing fiction books went to a Tony Robbins conference with her team and got inspired to take a leap with her life. She’s been building a name for herself as a key note speaker and personal development coach, helping women own their truths and change their lives. The Rise Conference is something that was born out of her followers’ requests to have an event where she taught them how to be better and do better. It started as a one day conference and has grown to be this 3 day event attended by thousands of people – there were 4,000 people at the one I attended. If you want a visual, there is a documentary on Amazon Prime that kind of highlights who she is and how this thing was born, called Made For More. But I knew in an instant, because of my love of conferences, women owning their power, and my need for a shift in my own life, that this was going to hit me at the exact right time.

Each day of the conference focuses on a different idea: Day 1: Owning Your Past, Day 2: Owning your Present, and Day 3: Owning your Future. We are talking 8 full hours a day of Rachel and a team of key note speakers coming at you with hard truths and heart bending stories, bolstered up by random bouts of energy inducing dance breaks. I know what you’re thinking, and yes, it was the kind of environment I thrive in. There were a lot of feelings on Day 1. I’ve had quite a complicated and storied past. I had a lot of thoughts and revelations (which surprised even me!) that day. Also, it was incredibly powerful to be surrounded by 4,000 other women sharing their own stories on the microphones and baring their souls as they reached for a lifeline in that room.

Even after the emotional hangover I had from Day 1, I came to Day 2 ready to play. I felt my most energized that day. Oddly, I didn’t shed a single tear all day – I was ready for whatever was coming. I took notes, I danced it out, I shouted “Yes! Preach!” a lot. I was feeling it. Day 2 was about owning your present, especially in terms of your health and wellness. And maybe I was feeling so great because this is the area I have been really working on in the last year or 2. I’ve focused hard on figuring out what’s going on with my body, what works for it and what doesn’t, and what my goals are moving forward. I even decided I would pick up running again, with the hopes of running a race in the next year. I felt motivated. Inspired.

Day 3 was the day I was looking forward to the most. Walking into this conference, my biggest question mark still remained, “What’s next? What do I want to do next with my life?” I wanted to find clarity on this question. I have felt so cloudy about it over the last couple of years. I am a goal oriented and results focused person. I like to get things done. For the longest time, I had so many goals I couldn’t even imagine needing to come up with more because my list was so long. I was blinders on, eyes straight ahead, always moving toward that next mile marker. But over the course of this part of my journey – moving every couple of years, having babies, never quite being able to land both feet inside of a career – I have lost sight of what my goals are. And maybe that’s because I’ve achieved a lot of them. You see, a lot of my goals were ones I set in high school. They were based on getting myself out of my small town and building myself a better life than the one I had been experiencing. Then, in college, I set more goals that were all in that same vein, but just reaching even farther. I wanted a Masters degree, I wanted to teach the underserved populations of this country, I wanted a family and I wanted to travel. Well, I’ve done all of that…and then some. And as a goal-oriented person, when I came down out of the clouds of my baby fog, I couldn’t think of even one thing to reach for and that felt very unsettling to me.

So, there I was, walking into Day 3 of this conference with a lot of hope and maybe a little too much expectation. I felt confident, though, that somewhere in the words flowing from the stage my Ah-Ha moment was coming. And I waited for it. And waited. And then I got impatient. It wasn’t coming, which was making me miss out on some of the event because I was getting distracted by my disappointment. Where was the big idea? Why was it not coming?

Right as my legs started to twitch in frustration, Rachel cued us up to close our eyes. She led us through a guided meditation meant to stir our imagination – a guided dreamcast, where we envisioned our happiest selves, our truest selves, our most grateful selves doing what we are meant to do. She instructed us to see the these things clearly, as if a movie were playing behind our eyelids. And I was in it, I was seeing myself, I even felt tears of gratitude stream down my cheeks as I vividly pictured all the things I am grateful for and then, right before the image of my wildest dream revealed itself, the film spun out of the reel and I lost track. And I tried to get it back, but it was gone. And when we opened our eyes, Rachel asked us to feverishly write down everything we saw for ourselves. And there I was, stuck again. I even felt myself wanting to lean over and cheat off of the person next to me – maybe her dreams might work for me? What is she writing? Oh Heather.

But here’s the thing. I already know what’s ahead of me. We are just a few months away from a big life transition: we are moving our family to our next duty station. We have to sell our house, find new schools, find a new home, finish out this school year, and then physically get all of us to our next location. Oh, and did I mention that Ryan will have already moved while I’m trying to accomplish all of this? I don’t have space in my life for a giant personal goal right at this moment. But, I also know that the universe’s plan for me has already begun and I just need to walk the road in front of me, taking one step at a time, making the best choices I can and putting myself in favorable positions to let that blurry vision become clear to me. It’s there; right there, just out of sight. I can see it’s blurry shape, but I can’t quite make it out. I have a few things that I know I can do as I walk closer to that shape, but I’m not there yet. I have a mountain in front of me blocking the view. I’m not quite ready for whatever it is and I realize that now. All I have to do now is just stay focused, keep my sights set ahead, and my feet moving forward.

So, on Day 2, when she coached us into picking a word, that was the first one that sprang to mind: Focus. But the more I thought about it, the weaker a word that felt to me. Rachel kept telling us that our word should scare us a little. It should be something that pushes us. I decided I should take some time and really sit with it and pick a better word, even if it came to me after the conference. I wanted a word like Warrior; or Unstoppable; or Indominable. And although those words are amazing, they aren’t the word I NEED right now. I have all of those words already. I AM all of those words already. What I need to do now is Focus. And stay focused. and keep refocusing. Because that thing is right up ahead, right at the crest of this mountain I’m about to climb. And I’ll be ready for it, just so long as I stay focused.